Episode 38 - Equanimity: The Flowering of Gratitude

[MUSIC] And welcome. Welcome to A Resonant Life, produced by The Time Is Now Productions. I am Mike Thompson, your host and reflector in chief. Over the next 20 to 30 minutes, we will discuss experiences and insights about living a life devoted to uncovering our authentic selves and finding fulfilling purpose from the past, the present, and the future. To kick off our discussion, I’ll share my opinions gathered from my life and

experiences. Opinions between people are various, and we don’t all need to hold the same ones. But it is fun to hear the opinions of others as it gives us an opportunity to freshen up our own. If you enjoy and gain insight, please subscribe and share. If you have questions, please email them. And as always, nothing we cover here is a proscription or a prescription. It is a discussion of life and life’s internal and external experiences.

So let’s get to it. [MUSIC] Hello, hello, hello, and welcome, welcome back. Thank you for joining me today. As I often say, working together as we have been doing, we will see measurable improvements in our lives and our relationships, and the world around us. Working on ourselves, learning to override the survival instincts of our egos,

of our DNA, we will be, we are agents creating a better world. And the fuel which drives all of this is our sincerity and our commitment to creating this better world for all. And not just all people, but all living beings. If you recall last episode, I think it was episode 37, we talked about ways to heal and even eliminate grudges from our hearts and minds. We learned and recognized that a grudge is simply us attaching ourselves

to a snapshot in time, a moment. A moment when we felt hurt or wronged, betrayed or wounded. And with that snapshot, our memories and attention became fixed, locked on the negative experience and the other person or people involved. We negated any and all memories of positive experiences we may have had previously with those persons or that person against whom we now held a grudge. Well, what was our solution to this? Our solution?

To remember, to remember and reflect on the good times we’d had with that person. To focus on the positive memories we had had and to remove focus and energy from the negative moment we were fixated on. Basically, to start the movie again instead of fixating on the frame. To let go of that, to let go of that, let’s call it memory snapshot. To let go of that and to remember the whole movie of our relationship, going back in time before the moment of betrayal and hurt.

If you had any grudges, how did that work for you? I hope it helped you to let go, to unfreeze and to move forward. It has really worked well for me. And I admit, it isn’t a one and done exercise or effort. It is a work in progress. I have found myself recalling the people against whom I held grudges and repeating the exercise, pulling up and recalling and replaying the better memories, the good memories.

And already I feel released from a lot of those negative emotions that were engendered by me holding grudges. So much so that now even I feel as if I’d be able to engage positively with any of those people at any time to even have an enjoyable reunion and catch up. Bonus, right? And what I found working on this over the past days and weeks is a growing feeling of gratitude. I feel it in my chest.

It’s kind of an expansion as if my heart is expanding. And it also seems often as if my chest is connected directly to my eyes as tears well up when I recall this work and the progress I’ve made. And the lightness, the relief of no longer carrying the weight of grudges and that negativity that go with them. Are you feeling anything like this? If you close your eyes and just think on the progress you’ve made, remember a person and your relationship with them, but

not the negative frozen moment of hurt, but rather remember the good times. Do those happier memories awaken any gratitude in your hearts or just doing the exercise and making progress? Do you feel that sense of gratitude? I sincerely hope so. I hope so. Feeling that gratitude is a sign of healing, of moving forward, of opening up and loosening up.

We’ve talked about it before. Gratitude is a powerful force of awakening. In episode 36, two episodes back, we discussed specifically how it was hard to identify or even to cultivate authentic gratitude in and of itself. To force a feeling of deep gratitude, hard to do. But we could point to it, so to speak, right? And pointing to it, we can blow on the embers of it, kindle it, and

keep it alive and even help it to grow and expand. A mind and heart of gratitude is a mind and heart that are expansive, open, welcoming. Embracing. There are no hard and fast walls or barriers. It is a mind of yes, a mind and heart of acceptance. Do you remember the short meditation we did in that episode? It was a meditation where we recalled all the people in our lives,

past and present, who’ve helped us in some way. Even going back in time before we were born to our ancestors and those in our cultures and history who came before. Because we are their product. We are the result. And that includes the good and the bad. And as such, we are just as we should be. If we embrace that sense of openness and expansiveness, we can accept that.

And as we do that long stretch and historical digging in the service of gratitude, it doesn’t mean we excuse or gloss over the negative, the awful, or the violence even that any of our ancestors may have been involved in or have been the victims of. In fact, that negativity flows forward in time. The effects and memories are passed on. And they also make up who we are. Whether we want to consider it cultural inheritance, familial history, whatever. It is there.

And it is also a part of who we are right now in this moment. And the opportunity to acknowledge these negativities, even horrors that we’ve inherited, that gives us a chance to reconcile, a chance to atone, to purify. And that, that is also something to be grateful for. To push this even further, to stretch these spiritual muscles and make them stronger and more flexible, we can start to explore equanimity, expanding our ability to accept, to accept all that we are, the sum total of ourselves, as we are, and critically important to accept others the same way in real time.

In a sense, this is really the next step of increasing our capacity to experience, to feel, and express gratitude in our lives. Equanimity is the goal. Equanimity is where gratitude leads us. Equanimity is an aspect of awakening, enlightenment, nirvana, however you want to label it. So in Buddhism, equanimity is one of the four immeasurable states of mind. The other three states of mind being compassion, loving kindness, and sympathetic joy. Maybe I, maybe I should make these more plain.

Compassion is easy, right? It is actively caring for others and their well-being. I think we all have deep and meaningful experiences of both extending and receiving compassion in our lives. Compassion arises out of empathy and out of love and care and a sense that we are, that we are more than just individuals, that we are a part of a connected whole. And as such, the pain and suffering of others, it touches us, it impacts us and gives rise to compassion.

Loving kindness, the next one, the next immeasurable state of mind is, is in a larger sense, altruism, being kind and generous of spirit, with without condition or distinction. Not judging others, not imposing our templates of acceptable and unacceptable, or our expectations on others. Rather, loving kindness is accepting and embracing others as they are, where they are, and for who they are in this moment. Okay, the third one, sympathetic joy. This is celebrating feeling joy in the success and happiness of others.

And oftentimes, we may actually feel a tinge of jealousy at the success of others. Or maybe we harbor thoughts that, you know, they don’t deserve the success they just achieved or the benefits they gained. This is jealousy, this judgy attitude, this blocks sympathetic joy. Jealousy is ego originated. Why them and not me? That is such a normal and common reaction. It’s kind of, it really is genetically rooted in our species’ drive to survive.

And as such, it’s a zero-sum mindset. Basically, it’s a sense that, how do you say, necessary resources are limited. There’s a perception of that. Necessary resources are limited. That there is only so much, and if others have some, then that is less for me and mine. This is a deep, primal, subconscious thought pattern. And as such, it is natural, naturally human. But, but as individuals trying to be more than that, it is a thought pattern we can acknowledge,

own, and then replace. Consciously replace it with joy in the success of others. We can use those negative reactions, those little jealousy twinges, those spiritual cues which trigger our positive, conscious response. That positive, conscious response is sympathetic joy. Finally, the fourth immeasurable state of mind, equanimity. I think of equanimity as the fulcrum or the axle of these other three of compassion, loving kindness, sympathetic joy.

Equanimity is the pivot point, the center around which the others rotate. Equanimity is being balanced, accepting, being unequivocal, not being attached one way or the other, and not being averse one way or the other. This is so in relation to people, but also situations, and ultimately to everything. It doesn’t mean you don’t have opinions or that you don’t have beliefs and values. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Having opinions, beliefs, and values is important, right? But it does mean equanimity.

It means being accepting of the reality and truth that others also have opinions, beliefs, and values, and that they are as entitled to their own as we are to ours. Even if those opinions, beliefs, and values might seem wrong or even onerous to us, yeah, that’s hard to do, right? Especially in our current political and cultural climate, globally. And real hard, that’s hard. But the harder anything is, the more important it is. Really, it’s so vitally important.

And those opinions we have with our hearts and minds centered in equanimity, we don’t overinflate them. We don’t push them on others. Rather, we hold them. They are ours. Our values, beliefs, and opinions are ours. And we don’t need to impose or force them on others. It is a sort of a deep and profound self-confidence.

Imagine holding a vase of beautiful flowers in a crowded place, and we’re just holding it, enjoying it. No expectations of what others will do. And maybe some people passing by, you know, will take a flower. Wonderful. Maybe they’ll comment on the flowers positively or negatively. Wonderful. Maybe they will grab the vase of our beautiful flowers and smash it on the ground.

Not so wonderful, but we have in our hearts an infinite supply of beautiful flowers and vases in which to put them. And so we just create another one. That’s one way to think of holding personal opinions, beliefs, and values in a mind, in a posture, in a heart of equanimity. That however our beliefs, opinions are treated by others, we can still hold them and treasure them. Right?

That’s that self-confidence. Profound self-confidence. We don’t need to impose them on others. So over the course of our resonant life journey, I’ve been sharing more and more of my personal life. And some of you might think that I’m oversharing the personal details of my life. But the reason I’m doing this isn’t so much to sort of like overshare or broadcast all these personal things.

That’s not what I’m after. That’s not what I’m about. Really, really, it is to share with you how to use our lives, how I’m using my life. Our lives, they’re the workshops, they’re the art studio in which we create new ways of seeing, new ways of hearing, new ways of knowing, new ways of being, of being in the world and in relation with others. And maybe my struggles are familiar to you in your lives. If so, there’s common ground to work from.

Okay, we’ve got an idea of equanimity and the four immeasurables. But let’s shift gears as so far we’ve been mostly conceptual, right, in the head. And as we’ve discussed, wisdom, growth, and change happen when we go into action, when we act, when we do something, something concrete in the world, specifically something altruistic. Some of you may have noticed there’s been a lengthy time gap between the previous episode and this one. Well, here’s the personal share that I mentioned earlier. I’ve had a number of things going on that have really held me back.

I’ve had some health issues that really knocked me off my feet. They upset my center of gravity. I was just so surprised by it all and I felt so fuzzy and unfocused. Honestly, it’s hard to explain. Basically, I was feeling spiritually dizzy and physically, physically, I was very ill. And that has never happened to me before. Even before I got sick, I was really struggling to put this episode together. The more I looked at gratitude and gratitude in my life, how I felt and experienced gratitude,

the more I realized I had just huge gaps, huge enormous gaps. In fact, where I thought there was gratitude, there were actually really complaints and dissatisfactions, lots and lots of complaints and dissatisfactions. And I had to really look at those things and ask, why was I feeling dissatisfaction about such and such? Why was I feeling unhappy about such and such? When actually I should be grateful for it all. And I tried so hard to find the thread by which I could feel grateful

or a door that would lead to some kind of insight to be drawn from my situation. And while I could intellectually talk about insights that I thought sounded right, they didn’t feel authentic. And while I could talk about being grateful for things that came clear to me during my illness, they were intellectual, or at least they felt intellectual. I knew the tools, I knew the mind hacks, the spiritual cues. I knew all those things, all those things we’ve talked about, methods and techniques and strategies and practices to find a way toward happiness.

But it just felt like the cliff I had to climb was all glass. There was no foot or handholds or toe holds to grab onto. And honestly, it was the lowest I felt in years and decades. I remember, I remember calling my husband for my hospital bed and just crying and weeping. So pitiful. And after that call ended, there it was. I had a handhold. I had someone who could comfort me, someone who listened, someone who did so unconditionally. And that ember of gratitude, it just flared up.

And in prayer and meditation, I recalled my spiritual teachers. And in my meditation, my heart, my imagination, whatever, I surrounded myself with them. And slowly the fog started to clear. And quietly, like a small whisper, I heard the words, “Accept everything as it is.” Accept everything as it is. The heart of equanimity. And I started to understand that while I may have been accepting of many things, what I wasn’t accepting was the illness I was experiencing and how it affected and limited everything I could do or think for that time. I wasn’t accepting anything about being ill.

I wasn’t accepting anything about being in the hospital and everything that entails. I was feeling, I was feeling, I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t capable enough. I wasn’t smart enough to get through. I was being, I was being very hard on myself in addition to just physically being sick. And by not accepting it, by not accepting it, I was not learning from it. I was literally rejecting a precious teaching on living and life. And more importantly, I was rejecting how to continue to help others despite my condition and circumstances. I was closing that door. Our drive to altruism, our drive to altruism, you know, it can’t take a vacation. We must keep walking forward no

matter how small the steps. And life’s challenges and hardships are the best teachers and the best teaching moments. And I was in the middle of a huge teaching moment and I was not using it. Life’s challenges and hardships, they are the best teachers and teaching moments. They are. When said like this, it sounds, it sounds so obvious and simple. But when I was in hardship and physically challenged, I forgot. But remembering, then remembering, I was, I was able to open my heart and see the other patients around me. I was able to like kind of reverse everything. I was able then to see others around me who were also suffering. And to be honest, many of them were in much worse condition than me and they, many were sad and lonely and in pain and in discomfort.

Before that sort of epiphany, before my suffering, my suffering was the center of my attention of my world and self-pity. It was all about me. And this crowded out my ability to see and engage with the others around me who were also suffering. Waking up and out of that self-focus, I was able to see others and their suffering. And this brought me back to the four immeasurable states of mind. Seeing the suffering of others awoke my compassion. It prompted me to act with loving kindness to the others on my ward and equanimity. I began to be able to accept my situation as it was, to accept me in that situation as I was and to stop beating myself up for being sick, for not being able to do anything and for being in that state. I had to forgive and

accept myself. The first step toward equanimity started with me. Our project at a resonant life is truly unending. There is no finish line to cross. There is no tape to break, right? It is incremental, step by step. And sometimes we fall back a bit and need to step forward again. And it is our lives and the experiences of our lives and the people in them, friends and strangers that help us to take those steps. Even negative and horrible situations and negative and horrible people, they’re all opportunities to go forward if we can try to accept them as they are, for what they are, for where they are. Everything teaches if we pay attention.

There’s a saying in Mahayana Buddhism, “Offering to others without distinction of friend or foe.” That is acting with equanimity while acknowledging that we still have to work on consciously accepting others by virtue of the duality, friend or foe, right? Ideally we want to get to a singularity where there is no thing between friend or foe that everything is the same. That’s ultimate equanimity. But if we consciously work on accepting both, both in the duality, we begin to approach that singularity, authentic equanimity. And it is our lives that help us. Every twist and turn, every hill, every step, every fumble, every stumble. So let’s imagine our lives as a workshop, as an art studio in which we can

cultivate, create, gratitude, cultivate and create equanimity. Through living our lives and being awake and aware and accepting, using, using spiritual cues, we can see new ways of being and become ever more expansive and open, to become more sincerely and authentically altruistic, without distinction of friend or foe, altruistic in all of our actions of body, speech and mind, without distinction or condition, period. It is in this place, this mindset, where we learn to be happy in our lives, using all the things that life throws at us. These are gifts. These are gifts because we can look at them and work on them, as we’ve all agreed here at A Resonant Life. We’re not just passive rioters of the wild beast of our

lives. We’re going to take agency. We are taking agency. We’re grabbing hold and saying, “Hey, I’m going to learn from this. I’m going to squeeze these insights and wisdom out of this, whatever, whatever this is at any moment.” And that insight and wisdom is going to be injected into my heart and mind so that I can make it part of me. And therefore, my life has become the teacher and life has become the lesson. Life has become the experience by which I can become better myself and better help others. But be ready, like I did, sick in my hospital bed. We will forget. Forget all of this when overwhelmed. At least I will. I’m sure it’s going to happen again. And that’s okay. It’s natural. And that forgetting is its own lesson. And forgetting means

we can remember. And remembering. Remembering we can renew and recharge and act. Face front going forward. Act for others using our own challenges as fuel and tender to nurture the flame of gratitude and cultivate the mind of equanimity. Okay. Thank you. Thank you for listening and for being willing to hear my own problems and for participating and for everything you do. We’ll talk again very soon. Okay. Take care. Thank you for joining today. If you enjoyed what you heard here and want to hear more, please subscribe and share. If you’d like to share your own experience, thoughts, or ask a question, please send an email to [email protected]. Theme music is courtesy of Stock Audio’s distributed by

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